SHORE BA

So you might think that the mindless MTV show Jersey Shore and the NBA have nothing in common but you are going to want to re-think that. Neither have shortages of one night stands, wtf moments and ongoing feuds so here is my breakdown of two of my favorite trainwrecks.



First off, they both have a major theme in common the inmates are running the asylum. If you are a star in either entity you can now basically do whatever you want, ask for a bigger check and threaten to not show up to do your job. Sure the Shore t-shirt shop and a packed arena are much different venues but all of these people have it way too good and don't realize it.



The Situation & The Decision (LBJ)

Look both of these jagoffs decided to take their talents to South Beach. LeBron and the Sitch love to refer to themselves in the third person which is very disturbing. If you start to refer to yourself in the third person you think you are a big deal and you probably are not as big of a deal as you think you are. LeBron was happy to go to Miami and form his own version of MVP and pick off sloppy seconds from his man DWade. Situation can stoop to as low as bringing in a sandwich to one of his pals to block them from doing what he failed to do in a certain night. LeBron fails repeatedly to close out games as does the Sitch. These two are both the main attraction to their respective shows without being able to bring home the hardware to back it up. LeBron as we all know was willing to stab his own city in the back in a nationally publicized show but Sitch has tried numerous times to pull a "robbery" right in front of his so-called best mates.

Snooki & Gilbert Arenas

These two are a hot mess. Whether it is a drunken walk on the beach or a boore' game that goes horribly wrong these two are never far from trouble. Both of these "stars" (I Use that term in the loosest sense) have a wacky personality and think they are misunderstood. Gilbert had a once promising career fizzle out thanks to an injury and his distate for leaving the dinner table. Snooki can say what she wants but she is eating alot more than pickles herself. While, her "career" (Again work with me I have to call it something) is yet to totally fizzle out I would venture that if Vegas had lines on this sort of thing Snooki becoming an out of work drug addict in 5 years would have to be off the board already. While Snooki has managed to hook up with 3 members of a family tree, it is also safe to assume Gilbert has done this as well probably ten fold. Sorry Gil but your Agent Zero nickname has went from sarcastically funny to eerily foreshadowing.

Pauly D & Chris Paul

These two are facilitators. They are always willing to drop a dime or dtf friend on a roomatte. Pauly D is running the show calling cabs, selling tee shirts and organizing the all important GTL runs. CP3 is keeping his running mates happy selling his shoes and both of them are unassuming and very unselfish. However, you can see both of them could be poised to break out and leave their former friends behind. DJ Pauly D to become the next great house DJ (maybe the first? is there such thing as a good house music dj? i digress) CP3 teasing to join up with Amarelo in NY. We will just have to stay tuned.



Angelina & Eddy Curry

These two never knew how good they had it. Angelina couldn't handle the rigorous lifestyle of drinking every day hooking up with any man with a pulse and the strenuous gelato shop shift. Poor Eddy just couldn't live without buying every person who said hello to him a house and inexplicably losing some insane bet to Juwan Howard. How else can I validate a 35,000 a month payment to Juwan Howard which was layed out in a recent expense report of his. Say what you want about a college education but Juwan must have picked up something Eddy didn't in his years at Ann Arbor. I imagine both of them had the same "Oh Sh*t expression" when Eddy realized hey I am making 9 million a year and spending 11 million but now I am too fat to work. Angelina when she realized she is making 0 dollars a month realizing she just gave up 50,000 an episode to basically be her bitchy horrible self. Oh those were the days kids...

JWoww / Dwight Howard

These two you can't help but take a double take when you look at them. Both of them have all the goods to be on top. They are both more complex than what might meet the eye. Jwoww an aspriring artist (Yes not a joke http://gawker.com/#!5738120/the-lost-art-of-jwoww) Dwight Howard a devout Christian and family man. However, there is more glitz than product with these two. Jwoww may throw the occasional right hook at Sammi (can you blame her) and D Howard might throw the occasional elbow at Shaq to pretend he cares more than he does. These two just seem to be happy with who they are.

Vinny / Kevin Durant

These are the up and comers. They always have their eyes on the prize. Wouldn't you want Durant taking the game winning shot? Who else would you want on the clock with 10 minutes til last call at Karma to pull? These two are making things happen. Neither of these guys wants the limelight or the fan fare, they just want to keep on getting better at their trade. Both of these guys are loyal as can be. Durant quietly signing an extension in the non glamorous Oklahoma City, Vinny saying no matter what he would never hook up with one of Pauly's exes. Both of them are young but you can almost expect a bright future for both.




Sammie & Ronnie / Vince Carter/Winning

These pairs just flatter to deceive. How many times have you seen Vince have a 28 point night and then get fouled with a few seconds left to tie or win the game and inexplicably after throwing in fadeaways from 25 feet barely manage to scrape iron on those clutch throws. Sammie & Ronnie spend a magical day together in bed doing nothing then one badly timed smile at a random in a club and the muskets and bayonnets are out and fuhghetaboutit. Thse two think they need and want each other but the reality is the two are toxic together. It just cannot happen it is one of lifes forbidden fruits. Even though it is best for all parties to walk away they are always willing to give it one more try. Vince's teams realize this and he is traded around more than a silly band at recess. The Shore roomattes all realize this and try to keep the two apart but it is just an unholy pull that just keeps the doomed project going.



Deena / Chris Bosh

Both of them fell into a kush gig and cannot believe their luck. Do the roomattes really treat Deena as one of their own? Is Chris Bosh really part of a big 3? In the end I don't think either of them even care. They managed to convince the powers to be to let them in on this gravy train and they are going to milk it for all they can.

Oops gotta run... CABS ARE HEEEEEEEERE!!!

Forever Popping Bubbles..

So it's that wonderful time of year again. You can keep the christmas stockings and fruitcake I will take a shot of quality wins with an RPI chaser. True this years version of the NCAA bubble may be softer than Chris Bosh but that makes things all the more fun college hoops junkies like me. Also props to the NCAA for adding an extra 4 bids to the mix, when else would a Nebraska home game in late February not involving the black shirts be relevant.

OK now down to binness..as I see it we currently have 28 teams that are current locks and those teams are from a combined 8 conferences. There are 31 conferences that receive an automatic bid to the canteen. We will assume that one of the locks will win the conference tournaments from the so-called major conferences. So that means 23 bids will be taken up by teams that would otherwise not make it. So 28 locks plus 23 conference tourney winners still leaves 17 spots for the rest of the slop.

Locks by Conference

ACC - (2) DUKE, NORTH CAROLINA

BIG EAST - (9) GEORGETOWN, PITT, NOTRE DAME, ST.JOHN'S, UCONN, CUSE, VILLANOVA, WEST VIRGINIA, LULLVILLE

BIG TEN - (3) OHIO STATE, PURDUE, WISKY

BIG 12 - (4) KANSAS, TEXAS, GIG EM, MIZZOU

PAC-10 - (2) ARIZONA, UCLA

SEC - (3) FLORIDA, VANDY, KENTUCKY

MWC - (3) BYU, SAN DIEGO STATE, UNLV

A-10 - (2) TEMPLE, XAVIER

So now with that out of the way I have my top 25ish remaining teams and instead of going conferences by conference I will just rank them how I see their chances of getting in, this doesn't necesarrily mean I think they will do well mind you. For example, I see teams as locks right now like North Carolina in Florida which I think are fraudulent as Pam Anderson's rack, however my blind eye test is the deciding vote so chances are the teams I like more will be higher on the list.

Yeah Mick I love you too
1. Cincy - With yesterday's impressive win at Georgetown the Cats are all but safe. The only reason I didn't put them in lock status is they close with Uconn, Georgetown, @Marquette and Mick Cronin is the best in the nation at outcoaching himself. Last night the Cats finally played their best lineup (Gates, Kilpatrick, Jackson, Bishop, Dixon) major minutes and what do you know they rolled the Hoyas in DC.. It's all good I expect to see Ibrahima Thomas and Larry Davis play 30 minutes a piece next game and see the Cats right back in bubble trouble next week.

2. Washington - If only this team played any defense...but this is the Pac-10 after all the home of matador defense since 19... whatever you get the point. Fact is this is a very talented team and noone will want to see them in the first or second round. This team is almost there...never has a Derrick Williams' blocked shot been such a perfect metaphor for a teams bubble chances

3. Sparty - Izzo, Izzo, Izzo, Izzo Yes I feel like I am back in 3rd grade getting scolded for passing notes in class. Write Izzo on the chalkboard 500 times to remind you of your ignorance son. You should have known BD, WE should have known! As Tiger says, "It's a process" and like usual Izzo has taken a team with alot of flaws and slowly ironed them out just in time for his favorite annual dance.

4. Florida State - This is another dangerous team, they have serious issues finding the basket at times but they always defend hard. Their semi annual Duke win packs a major punch for their resume. I will ignore their 16 point drubbing to a quasi mediocre Terps squad for now, and partly because I am just relieved I can spend a year not trying to hear Terp fans validate Gary Williams and their tournament resume which are equally in decline every year.

5. Georgia - Thompkins and Leslie are a quality 1-2 punch and both have big time NBA potential which begs the question, "What are you doing here?" It is what it is as every famous athlete says

6. Kansas State - If it were not for Baylor this team would win the 2011 Vince Carter Leadership Award. The talent is there but it is clear Pullen and Kelly are knuckleheads just reference their 2002 FSU Dillards esque spending spree. When your two best players have questionable character it usually means problems BUT the good news is they seemed to have righted the ship just in time. A win over Rock Chalk goes a long way and a huge win over fellow bubblies Nebraska yesterday also helps show this team may finally have gotten it.

7. Tennessee - Watching Tennessee basketball is like watching an episode of Eastbound & Down it is captivating the lead character/coach looks and acts like a dirtbag and you feel like you need a shower immediately after. This program is in shambles, Pearl is in all likelihood in lame duck mode but the team still has talent and I have to give dap to the kids there who have played fairly well considering the circus their Kenny Powers has put them through. They have enough quality wins they should be in barring new violation revelations. (not out of question)

8. Illinois - This team is very soft and I can't imagine a team saying oh $h&^ we got the Illini first round but this is the Bosh bubble and these teams look goodish right now. Dmitri McCamey is the newest victim of Chris Thomas disease (This refers to a player who starts his college career strong then inexplicably digresses as the career moves along; Chris Thomas was a highly touted PG who had a marginal career at Notre Dame in the early 00's)

9. George Mason - (Jim Calhoun shudders every time he hears this name, oh wait no he is an arrogant prick who makes and spends Patrick Ewing money he is over it..i kid i kid) 8-4 vs top 100 RPI and several quality wins over fellow bubblers mean Mason is all but in.

10. Alabama - Anthony Grant is an up and coming star in the coaching world and he has done wonders with the Tide. Look 11-2 league record in any major conference is tourney good by me, I don't care if Bushwood CC beat you in November non conference play.

11. Utah State - The gamblers favorite March money line tease is back again bitches, beating St. Mary's on the road might have infuriated hoops fans down under but it all but locked up a bid for the Aggies even if they do lose the WAC tourney

12. Old Dominion - Xavier and Georgia wins looking better and better and if you beat MY Cleveland State Vikings and look impressing doing so I will give you even more credit because they are a top 40 RPI win don't you know? look it up go...ok now I am pissed speaking of teams that abuse CSU...

13. Butler - So Matt Howard spends more time on his back than Jenna Jameson it doesn't take away from the 7 straight victories and the ever improving Bulldogs. So maybe it was a hangover after that rimmed out championship banner but whatever the bulldogs have sipped a few bloody marys and turned the corner..fun times again

14. Marquette - The 2011 Cleveland Sports Acheivement award goes to the Golden Eagles, always close but no cigar. Sure they can't beat anybody good but they look good losing and in this bubble fray my friends that is good enough. As long as they keep beating the teams they are supposed to it should be enough barely...

15. Richmond - So I am a noted A-10 honk but this team has legitimate scary talent espceially guard Kevin Anderson. 9-3 mark in A-10 is good enough imho but they may want to win a few in the A-10 tourney to make sure

16. St. Mary's - AUSSIE AUSSIE OY OY OY. They lookd a lock a few weeks ago but losses to teams like San Diego and getting punked by fellow bubbler Utah State at home has them in dangerous territory. At this point they need to beat Gonzaga tomorrow or win the WCC tourney OR BOTH to feel safe.

17. Colorado State - There isn't a whole lot to brag about a nice win at UNLV than decent wins vs. Southern Miss, New Mexico and Ole Miss but they have won alot of games and the MWC is getting alot of computer love.

(Insert NIT bound jokes here)

18. UAB - Decent team no quality wins CONF USA weak like

19. Virginia Tech - I am sure there is some way to incorporate a new sitcom revolving around Seth Greenberg and the Hokies annual heartbreak of bubbledom insert a Vick or two and ratings will soar

20. Virginia Commonwealth - Asking too much to get 3 Colonial teams even though they probably deserve it more than a few others above them

21. Boston College - This team has decent numbers but I have had the displeasure of watching them a number of times this year. This is NOT a good team well coached and play hard but the cupboard is bare in Chetsnut Hill and in the ACC

22. Memphis - So Josh Pastner is all the rage, he pulled in that sick class this year! Well half those kids either never made it to Memphis have been suspended or a combo of both. Also when you lose by 17 to Rice I hate to be a jerk but I have to ask "Can you really coach?" I mean paying er...getting the kids to your school is only half the equation ask John Calipari

23. Gonzaga - They played a tough schedule, but they didn't beat anybody and trhe WCC was not the usual cakewalk it usually is for them.

24. Southern Miss - Shameless Larry Eustachy plug..

"If you need a smooth water tasting ale to pour down young coeds throats you want Natural Light!"

25. Michigan - Young team just can't get that big win.

The rest of you try harder!! That is it for this time I am off to go meet B Diddy Davis at Bally's we are on the same workout plan.